070417__no control__

It’s hard for me to control my emotions and thoughts sometimes. I feel like my mind is racing through every thought a human could think over and over again. I wonder if other people think the way I do. That’s probably why I ask so many questions – I’m curious about people and the way they think. I’m also curious about our similarities and the connections we make. 

I believe that all we are is our thoughts, and eventually the thoughts we focus on become the story of our life. I don’t claim to know more about life and living than the next person. I know plenty of people who have gone through worse and are still living through some really traumatic events. I’m choosing to share not because I want sympathy, or even understanding from anyone,  I share because I have a story to tell, and I’m not afraid to tell it.

Cheating (Cordes, AZ)

I knew something was going on between my sisters husband and her cousin. I didn’t say anything, but I noticed the change when they were around each other. My sister suspected it too, so she asked me to go with her husband and her cousin on a road trip they were taking. I don’t remember why they were going to Texas, much less why the two of them would go alone. I was 13 or 14, and I sat in the middle seat of the truck, the man who was raping me on one side, and my sisters cousin who he was sleeping with on my other side. The amount of tension during that ride is indescribable. I didn’t talk the whole way, just stared straight ahead with severe focus. 

We stopped in the middle of the night to sleep. My sisters husband told me to sleep in the cabin of the truck while he and the cousin slept in the bed of the truck. I woke up to sounds and the feeling of the car rocking. It made me so angry that I got out of the car and slammed the door as hard as I could. I started walking along the street and tried to contain my tears. I was just so mad at the whole situation. Eventually I came back to the car, but I wasn’t the same, I didn’t think the same.

Some time after that trip, my sister started noticing the tension between her cousin and I. She tried to sit us down, saying that we needed to be adults and talk it out. I don’t know what I said but her cousin got mad and stormed out of the kitchen. I told my sister, “she’s suppose to be the adult but she can just get mad and walk away? Why do I have to sit here?” I tried to walk away to my room as well but my sister and I got into it, she struck me in the nose and blood began gushing down my face and unto my clothes.

I sat down at the dining room table, blood covering my face and clothing, and my sister through the phone at my chest telling me that she was going to make it easier for me to call Child Protective Services since that’s “what I wanted to do”. I balled my hands into fist and did everything in my power to contain the flood of emotions coursing through my body, but I could feel myself taking long exaggerated breaths as if I was going to explode. I sat there for a long long time without moving. I watched as her cousin walked past me without saying a word. There was even a group of her husbands friends that came over, one of which I had a crush on. The group of guys walked past me as well without looking at me. I got up, walked to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. Was this my life. Is that me? 

After everything that had happened, I was getting in trouble for trying to tell my sister what her cousin was doing. I couldn’t keep it inside anymore so I decided to tell my middle school counselor, Mr. Romens, what had happened and he offered for me to stay with him and his family. The CPS interviews were hard. I didn’t know what I should tell them, and what I should keep to myself. 

That’s my biggest struggle. There are so many things I want to say. But I feel like saying them won’t change anything. At that point I didn’t care. I decided to tell my interviewers everything.

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