I didn’t celebrate my 12th birthday that year. Its hard to celebrate your existence knowing that someone else’s life no longer continues. After that day, I began to see death everywhere. Not in a dark reaper sort of way, but in that I see how fragile all life is. Every being ever created dies. And somehow we have to grasp this harsh reality and find a way to live with it. Every decision that we make from this moment on out affects where we end up on the day we close our eyes for the last time.
At school that day I wasn’t feeling well. I remember sitting in the nurses office, and her asking if I wanted to call my mom. I knew she was at work so I told the nurse I’d be okay. I went home and was putting away my stuff when the phone rang. It was a classmate and she kept apologizing and saying she was so sorry for what had happened but I didn’t know what she was talking about. At first she didn’t want to tell me, but I insisted and she told me.
My oldest sister got home and I could tell she had been crying all day, but I didn’t say anything to her. My three sisters and I were told that we had to drive from Cordes Lakes to Prescott (about an hour) for something. I don’t remember talking during the drive. I sat and looked out the window and wondered how my mother had died. I wondered if she felt pain. I wondered what her last thought was. I wondered if someone was there with her. Or if she was alone. I hoped she didn’t feel any pain, and I’m sure she thought of us. And I wished so badly to tell her that we were going to be alright.
Once we got to the building they escorted us to a conference room. A woman appeared and she sat the four of us down and told us our mom had died in an accident. And in instant eruption of emotion my sisters began to cry, and I began to cry, and it was the most painful moment of my existence.
Letting go is the hardest part. Some people say that you can never let a person go. But you have to. Because the memories of that person will consume your thoughts, consume your being. And they will affect every relationships you ever have from here on out. It’s hard to let go of anything you love. But we’ll all be okay. We’ll all keep moving forward. And we’ll continue to make better decisions for ourselves.